Band 9 IELTS Essay with Ex-IELTS Examiner Commentary

Below we have a Band 9 essay graded by an ex-IELTS examiner.

First you can read the essay, and after we break down which sentences helped this essay score a Band 9.

Each criteria has been considered and the sentence in the essay has been colour coded to correspond to the four marking criteria used by the British Council / IELTS IDP.

LR – Lexical Resource
CC – Cohesion and Coherence
TR – Task Response
GR – Grammatical Range and Accuracy

Following this tutorial will help you understand:

• How an essay gets a Band 9
• What sentence structures and language is needed for a Band 9
• How you can link ideas smoothly

Online education and training is becoming increasingly popular in the business world. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Enthusiasm for digital technology is at an all-time high, not least in the workplace as companies around the world turn to internet-based training to keep their employees abreast of all the latest developments. As with all new trends, there is some debate about whether this transition is for the best.

One key reason for this move away from more traditional training methods is the fact that e-learning offers businesses the opportunity to reduce their expenditure significantly. Providing face-to-face training can be exorbitantly expensive, particularly in terms of travel costs and lost productivity, and online courses can greatly reduce the expense of keeping employees well-informed and up-to-date. Computer-based training renders geographical location irrelevant and this eliminates the need to pay an instructor to travel to your office or cover the cost of sending your employees to a training centre. It also minimises the amount of time wasted. From a purely financial perspective, there is no doubt that this shift to digital learning makes perfect sense.

However, research suggests that the quality and effectiveness of web-based courses lag behind the efficacy of those delivered in a classroom setting. People crave interaction and while digital training courses may offer a welcome addition to a company’s professional development plan, many educators believe that they should be used to complement rather than replace instructor-led sessions. Some subject matter such as compliance training is well-suited to an online format whereas management or leadership courses which are more collaborative in nature, are best taught ‘in person’. Many companies are starting to implement ‘blended learning’ programmes which aim to combine the best of both worlds.

In conclusion, although the rise of computer-based education is very attractive in terms of reducing overheads, for the moment at least, more traditional training still has its place in the workplace. The challenge for businesses is to find the right balance between the two.

311 words

Online education and training is becoming increasingly popular in the business world. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Enthusiasm for digital technology (LR1) is at an all-time high (LR2), not least in the workplace (CC1) as companies around the world turn to internet-based training to keep their employees abreast of all the latest developments (LR3). As with all new trends, (CC2) there is some debate about whether this transition is for the best (TR1).

LR1 – topic specific vocabulary; appropriate use of paraphrasing
LR2 – demonstrates a wide range of vocabulary
CC1 – links ideas together smoothly
LR3 – makes natural use of sophisticated vocabulary
CC2 – links sentences together so that the essay flows
TR1 – ends the introductory paragraph in such a way that it leads smoothly into the main essay

One key reason for this move (CC3) away from more traditional training methods is the fact that e-learning offers businesses the opportunity to reduce their expenditure significantly (TR2) / (LR4). Providing face-to-face training can be exorbitantly expensive (LR5), particularly in terms of travel costs and lost productivity, and online courses can greatly reduce the expense of keeping employees well-informed and up-to-date. (GR1) Computer-based training renders geographical location irrelevant (LR6) and this eliminates the need to pay an instructor to travel to your office or cover the cost of sending your employees to a training centre (TR3). It also minimises the amount of time wasted. From a purely financial perspective, there is no doubt that this shift to digital learning makes perfect sense (GR2).

CC3 – links the introductory paragraph to the main essay
TR2 – presents a relevant main idea
LR4 – natural use of a wide range of vocabulary / collocation
LR5 – natural use of collocation
GR1 – accurate use of a complex sentence
LR6 – sophisticated use of vocabulary
TR3 – extends / supports the main idea
GR2 – a well-constructed complex sentence

However (CC4), research suggests that the quality and effectiveness of web-based courses lag behind the efficacy of those delivered in a classroom setting (CC5) / (TR4). People crave interaction and while digital training courses may offer a welcome addition to a company’s professional development plan, many educators believe that (GR3) they should be used to complement rather than replace instructor-led sessions (TR5). Some subject matter such as compliance training is well-suited to an online format whereas (CC6) management or leadership courses which are more collaborative in nature, are best taught (GR4) ‘in person’. Many companies are starting to implement ‘blended learning’ programmes which aim to (GR5) combine the best of both worlds (LR7).

CC4 – appropriate use of a linking word to contrast ideas
CC5 – good use of referencing – ‘those delivered…’
TR4 – presents a relevant main idea
GR3 – a well-constructed complex sentence
TR5 – extends / supports the main idea
CC6 – links ideas together smoothly
GR4 – demonstrates the ability to use a wide range of structures
GR5 – effective use of a relative clause
LR7 – appropriate use of high level vocabulary

In conclusion (CC7), although the rise of computer-based education is very attractive in terms of reducing overheads (LR8), for the moment at least, more traditional training still has its place in the workplace (GR6). The challenge for businesses is to find the right balance between the two (TR6).

CC7 – introduces the final paragraph
LR8 – natural use of a wide range of lexis
GR6 – accurate use of a complex sentence structure
TR6 – the whole paragraph clearly addresses the task

 

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